Why Was I Angry First And Nauseous After?

7/7, 12:20

I never thought I'd feel anger against a dead person ever. But here it is. After numbness, strength, sadness and indifference.. I'm angry. Another emotional response that I never knew I would one day be feeling as my first response to death.

In all of my experience with death before, I have coped with exactly those 4 emotions and it worked well for me. Because that is all I was able to feel! It was not confusing. It has been constant. And I wouldn't say I'd have preferred it any other way.

I have always believed death makes everyone feel differently and every death makes the same person feel different. You didn't have to reaffirm that for me so soon. I already knew that!

I don't have space in my heart for anger. I don't want to create one. I want to cope with this in a healthy manner but what choice do I have? I have run so many scenarios, I have raked my heart and head apart. But all I feel is ANGER.

Do I wish we were on a different page? I don't even know. Because I'm just angry at your recklessness just like I was when I decided I would blur you out to give you some time to finally grow up!

I wish you had stayed long enough to grow up. I didn't even imagine in my wildest dreams there could be some other way for this to play out. Damn it, H. You wouldn't even know how this is affecting everyone and this makes it the hardest aspect of dealing with all of this.

Disbelief. Anger. Questioning the authenticity. Anger. Confusion and fear. Anger. Indifference. Sadness. Anger. Relief. Nostalgia. Sadness. Anger. Anger. Anger!

Sums up those dreadful 4 hours.

I had so many questions, but I guess this is the price I pay for not being adamant about it when it mattered. How could I be adamant though? I couldn't afford to compromise anymore than I had already! I had to learn to live with what I had on my plate.

Was there guilt? For a couple of minutes. Was there sorrow? Most of the times. Was I relieved? I wish I could say I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm not. For a couple minutes there, I WAS RELIEVED. And then ANGER took over. And it hasn't left since.

Do I think crying would make it better? Even if just once? Yes.

But how do I know if this anger will go too? How can I know?!! I've never felt this before! So damn you, H. I know you're just having a good goof about all of this. But damn you!

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7/7, 14:30

14+ days is a long time for you to be alone. But then again, how long has it been already?

Up until only a few years ago, I didn't even think rituals were important for anything concerning death. It started to change a bit when I came across Victor Turner's work on Rites de Passage and Liminality. It changes even more with the complexities of your passing. Because unlike nanaji's death when his last wish was clearly denied, this feels dark.

This is one of those moments when abiding by set rules gives a sense of direction to process it. But in your case, what comes next makes it even more dark. In some moments I wish there were some other means. And in other moments I think of how none of it makes any sense because whatever remains behind is never going to be enough anyway.

To come back home after 2 years and how. Boxed in a ship. None of this makes it any easier.

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7/7, 22:30

I wish you'd listened to everyone who had cared for you instead of those you'd just met. This is the kind of stuff that traumatises everyone involved nonetheless. But like all those mean internet trolls are saying now, this was an avoidable tragedy.

What specifically makes me angry is how we left things. Should I have tried more? Or did I do more than was necessary? Was it even important to you? I know N was. To me, so were you which is why I definitely think you should've done more. Your priorities never made sense anyway. I can only hope they did to you.

OMS

I'm not able to swallow any food without feeling that ever-present knot in my throat and eyes welling up with water that doesn't make it to my cheeks. I'm not in a position to think of what U&A must be going through in this moment. I hope they're not questioning themselves intrusively because they sure have a lot to think along the lines I'm only touching.

This, this is what I meant by "you wouldn't even know how this is affecting everyone"!

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9/7, 23:52

I know we’re supposed to remember you with nothing but affection. The way you left made it a bit difficult. I’m sure with time the anger will pass too.

I’m going to think of you when I meet anyone obsessed with strawberry shakes. Someone wearing obnoxiously long and funky socks on a casual day. A guy not afraid to style a tote as an accessory. Anyone with an animal head mask, especially unicorns. Someone who gulps down on a bitter batch of brownies I make and not shut up about it for months. A sikh guy with long hair rocking braids and colourful hair accessories. Yeah that’s dope.

You truly were one of a kind and I read your message thrice when you called me jiji upon wishing you happy rakhi. That was the last rakhi I got to wish you but you’re always going to be a beloved “lil” brother.

Rest in all the ways that make you happy.

Living Mindfully: Mindfulness is Not Something We Can Learn in a Day

You cannot Adult Right without Mindfulness

A lot of what we call 'life' happens when we're transitioning from a child into an adult who is responsible for getting all their shit done.

For some it could be moving out of town for college, learning how to live alone whilst managing a job, getting married into a different culture, etc (basically our 20's, when we reroute education based on choices & not compulsion).

As we grow into life, we witness so many changes while having to reconsider our own behavioural patterns & habits of reciprocation.

Because after all, these actions are what determine the future now when we're being our own parent!

Change, The Butterfly Effect & Mindfulness

Whether or not you believe in the butterfly effect, you must've seen how your decisions in the recent past have shaped your present.

How it could've gone the other way, how you could've done better or escaped the worse.

For me, change doesn't come easy but it drains me, overwhelms me into thinking---

"What if I'm going too fast? Am I really built for it? What if once I accept this & DO change, life just MAKES me go the opposite way?"

I won't lie, there have been moments when I've felt like slowing down, giving up & going back to my comfort zone.

But hey, comfort zone isn't where one grows, right? So this is where mindfulness will come into play!

Change makes us uncomfortable for a reason

Stopping should not be an option when change overwhelms you. But neither is ignoring your own instincts that are making you uncomfortable.

If you find yourself in a situation where change is overwhelming you, do not be too afraid to face it.

Do not let it cloud your judgement to an extent that it makes you indecisive.

Slow down, but do not stop questioning WHY you're facing it.

What's your reason?

This talk about being met with change and dealing it makes me think of all the times when I indulged in things (as an adult responsible for her own actions) that have shaped my present without actually knowing it's significance in that time.

I would've have to make a choice no matter what, because life happens to all of us whether we want it to or not. At a pace that's not always necessarily in our hands.

But was I doing it mindfully, indulging in the things life threw at me? Or was I just being a kid about it?

Don't ignore your intuition & be patient with yourself!

Mindfulness isn't something we can learn in a day. It takes practice no matter how organised, disciplined we think we are.

However, it doesn't mean limiting our experiences- just learning how to be fully present in the moment right now, good or bad. You & your experiences are the company that stay with you for life.

Our intuition will always try to connect with us to guide us better. 

Just don't be TOO CASUAL with the energy, especially if your intuition is trying to guide you otherwise 🙂

Building a Business from Scratch is Very HARD

"THIS ISN'T GOING TO PAY YOUR BILLS!!!"

If you have ever attempted to start a non-conventional business that does NOT run in your ancestry, this blog is for you.

Your work might seem excellent to your friends BUT your grandparents or even parents advice you to not kid yourself. They ask you to get the "wrong" ideas out of your head and be more serious about life and take up a “good profession”. 

If only our generation knew what’s a “good profession” and how to get there!

Anyway, move aside the obvious emotionally weighed factors, and let's talk about more! 

The dependency on traditional businesses:

Despite being original, chances are that your business model requires a well-knit supply chain with THE traditional business owners. Most traditional businesses are headed by the head of the family. They believe they know everything about their respective field.

And it’s true, they do! Which explains how their offsprings inherit the same line of work generation after generation.

My side hustle requires me to communicate with traditional business owners. It’s a weakness for me.. communicating. A girl who has been an introvert since childhood.

For reasons that are borderline hilarious, atleast half a dozen people have advised me to not do what I’m doing and rather do things THEIR way. They do not even belong to the same line of work. These people are just an integral part of my supply chain. I cannot go further without their business.

Some of these business owners even act like bullies!

I feel so disrespected when a shop-owner refuses to even listen to my requirement. Some get pissed the moment I mention "online business".

I have walked out of such shops numerous times in a rage that only somebody who has been in my shoes would understand.

I can only hope that the coming generations of these businesses are more open to helping out people like me in setting up our work without causing us mental agony.

I mean it's one thing to not have all your friends and family onboard.

But to deal with something like this... it has to take the pedestal for being the #1 NUISANCE in our way!

In times like these, you might end up doubting your ideas. But let me assure you in case none of your small business friends have told you.. A lot of us has to deal with this absurdity. And it might not go away anytime soon. 

It takes a lot more work than I imagined it would!

Next, the sheer amount of work that goes into building something grand.

It’s exhausting to do everything by yourself. And then explain to your friends & family the reason you're mentally absent even in the time that's supposed to be for leisure!

Ofcourse, it’s exciting to see your dreams manifested as reality. But it’s strange I never realised how exhausting this could get! Even the best minds cannot escalate the workflow because EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT.

I'm going to conclude the post with a harsh truth

A lot of businesses fail because of reasons they already knew about. The internet is full of stories about this. But do not let this stop you if you REALLY want it. Have faith in yourself and do what you love doing.

If you're happy, you'll figure out how to pay those bills. You really will! (And always keep a plan B! Makes you less anxious.)

Having a good business partner really is a blessing. I wish I had one! (somebody who knows how to be an extrovert & hasn't spent her/his life AVOIDING human interactions)

❤️ Thanks for reading! Share this with your small business owner friends. Let's network and build a community that motivates each other!