Why Was I Angry First And Nauseous After?

7/7, 12:20

I never thought I'd feel anger against a dead person ever. But here it is. After numbness, strength, sadness and indifference.. I'm angry. Another emotional response that I never knew I would one day be feeling as my first response to death.

In all of my experience with death before, I have coped with exactly those 4 emotions and it worked well for me. Because that is all I was able to feel! It was not confusing. It has been constant. And I wouldn't say I'd have preferred it any other way.

I have always believed death makes everyone feel differently and every death makes the same person feel different. You didn't have to reaffirm that for me so soon. I already knew that!

I don't have space in my heart for anger. I don't want to create one. I want to cope with this in a healthy manner but what choice do I have? I have run so many scenarios, I have raked my heart and head apart. But all I feel is ANGER.

Do I wish we were on a different page? I don't even know. Because I'm just angry at your recklessness just like I was when I decided I would blur you out to give you some time to finally grow up!

I wish you had stayed long enough to grow up. I didn't even imagine in my wildest dreams there could be some other way for this to play out. Damn it, H. You wouldn't even know how this is affecting everyone and this makes it the hardest aspect of dealing with all of this.

Disbelief. Anger. Questioning the authenticity. Anger. Confusion and fear. Anger. Indifference. Sadness. Anger. Relief. Nostalgia. Sadness. Anger. Anger. Anger!

Sums up those dreadful 4 hours.

I had so many questions, but I guess this is the price I pay for not being adamant about it when it mattered. How could I be adamant though? I couldn't afford to compromise anymore than I had already! I had to learn to live with what I had on my plate.

Was there guilt? For a couple of minutes. Was there sorrow? Most of the times. Was I relieved? I wish I could say I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm not. For a couple minutes there, I WAS RELIEVED. And then ANGER took over. And it hasn't left since.

Do I think crying would make it better? Even if just once? Yes.

But how do I know if this anger will go too? How can I know?!! I've never felt this before! So damn you, H. I know you're just having a good goof about all of this. But damn you!

-----------

7/7, 14:30

14+ days is a long time for you to be alone. But then again, how long has it been already?

Up until only a few years ago, I didn't even think rituals were important for anything concerning death. It started to change a bit when I came across Victor Turner's work on Rites de Passage and Liminality. It changes even more with the complexities of your passing. Because unlike nanaji's death when his last wish was clearly denied, this feels dark.

This is one of those moments when abiding by set rules gives a sense of direction to process it. But in your case, what comes next makes it even more dark. In some moments I wish there were some other means. And in other moments I think of how none of it makes any sense because whatever remains behind is never going to be enough anyway.

To come back home after 2 years and how. Boxed in a ship. None of this makes it any easier.

-----------

7/7, 22:30

I wish you'd listened to everyone who had cared for you instead of those you'd just met. This is the kind of stuff that traumatises everyone involved nonetheless. But like all those mean internet trolls are saying now, this was an avoidable tragedy.

What specifically makes me angry is how we left things. Should I have tried more? Or did I do more than was necessary? Was it even important to you? I know N was. To me, so were you which is why I definitely think you should've done more. Your priorities never made sense anyway. I can only hope they did to you.

OMS

I'm not able to swallow any food without feeling that ever-present knot in my throat and eyes welling up with water that doesn't make it to my cheeks. I'm not in a position to think of what U&A must be going through in this moment. I hope they're not questioning themselves intrusively because they sure have a lot to think along the lines I'm only touching.

This, this is what I meant by "you wouldn't even know how this is affecting everyone"!

————

9/7, 23:52

I know we’re supposed to remember you with nothing but affection. The way you left made it a bit difficult. I’m sure with time the anger will pass too.

I’m going to think of you when I meet anyone obsessed with strawberry shakes. Someone wearing obnoxiously long and funky socks on a casual day. A guy not afraid to style a tote as an accessory. Anyone with an animal head mask, especially unicorns. Someone who gulps down on a bitter batch of brownies I make and not shut up about it for months. A sikh guy with long hair rocking braids and colourful hair accessories. Yeah that’s dope.

You truly were one of a kind and I read your message thrice when you called me jiji upon wishing you happy rakhi. That was the last rakhi I got to wish you but you’re always going to be a beloved “lil” brother.

Rest in all the ways that make you happy.