Positivity Fatigue

Every time I feel like my life seems to be on track, it only lasts for a few days. Sometimes a couple of weeks, at max. There are sure stretches of months when my immediate life is not disrupted. But the disruptions in my immediate family? Oh, if I could just catch a break.

Despite doing everything right personally and even getting great results out of my goal-based action strategies for the professional front, it doesn't feel like everything is stable. I wish I had some emotional stability. It feels like a task to focus on the positives when circumstances are so miserable all around.

A cancer diagnosis in the family, so many rounds of going no-contact and low-contact with some people in the family. Fear of health of another person in the family. Sprinkle that with some bits of recurring personal health issues. Like a friend recommended few months back, "Ya'll need to get some havan or a pooja done, ASAP!".

But would that make it stop? Or would that only give us that short span of courage to go through all of this, again and again? Don't I already try my best? Should I really also do what millions of others do?

Oh wait, I do already do all of that.

Therapy, check.
Gardening, check.
Journalling, check.
Physical activity, check.
Good gut health? Check.
Spend time with friends. Check.
Avoid substances, don't indulge in negativity, let go of hopes that never materialise, be mindful, be polite. CHECK, CHECK, CHECK!

Sometimes when I'm talking to people my age and hear about their struggles, I always end up comparing their light-hearted everyday life rants about the little stuff, to the heavy anchor my heart feels like. I feel afraid to open up about my actual rumblings in the moment because it is all so disoriented, I struggle with words. And then I pity myself a lot inside for being so fake and pretending like I'm happy and have got 0 thoughts about my "rants".

How many times can I rant about the stuff that's ongoing? How many times do I wish I had more of those everyday-little-stuff rants?

I have so much to be happy about, to celebrate. I earned the feel-good moments by dedicated, consistent hard work. But before I can take any of that in, something unrelated to me disrupts it. Before getting to celebrate the wins, I go back to survival by relying on that "positivity" I've now come to dread. And I just get stuck in freeze.

I need more happy me-moments. I need some time before I can fight again. I need some space from the unforeseen, yet foreseeable miseries. I have no idea if I'll have that. And it feels great to let this out for once.

Why Was I Angry First And Nauseous After?

7/7, 12:20

I never thought I'd feel anger against a dead person ever. But here it is. After numbness, strength, sadness and indifference.. I'm angry. Another emotional response that I never knew I would one day be feeling as my first response to death.

In all of my experience with death before, I have coped with exactly those 4 emotions and it worked well for me. Because that is all I was able to feel! It was not confusing. It has been constant. And I wouldn't say I'd have preferred it any other way.

I have always believed death makes everyone feel differently and every death makes the same person feel different. You didn't have to reaffirm that for me so soon. I already knew that!

I don't have space in my heart for anger. I don't want to create one. I want to cope with this in a healthy manner but what choice do I have? I have run so many scenarios, I have raked my heart and head apart. But all I feel is ANGER.

Do I wish we were on a different page? I don't even know. Because I'm just angry at your recklessness just like I was when I decided I would blur you out to give you some time to finally grow up!

I wish you had stayed long enough to grow up. I didn't even imagine in my wildest dreams there could be some other way for this to play out. Damn it, H. You wouldn't even know how this is affecting everyone and this makes it the hardest aspect of dealing with all of this.

Disbelief. Anger. Questioning the authenticity. Anger. Confusion and fear. Anger. Indifference. Sadness. Anger. Relief. Nostalgia. Sadness. Anger. Anger. Anger!

Sums up those dreadful 4 hours.

I had so many questions, but I guess this is the price I pay for not being adamant about it when it mattered. How could I be adamant though? I couldn't afford to compromise anymore than I had already! I had to learn to live with what I had on my plate.

Was there guilt? For a couple of minutes. Was there sorrow? Most of the times. Was I relieved? I wish I could say I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm not. For a couple minutes there, I WAS RELIEVED. And then ANGER took over. And it hasn't left since.

Do I think crying would make it better? Even if just once? Yes.

But how do I know if this anger will go too? How can I know?!! I've never felt this before! So damn you, H. I know you're just having a good goof about all of this. But damn you!

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7/7, 14:30

14+ days is a long time for you to be alone. But then again, how long has it been already?

Up until only a few years ago, I didn't even think rituals were important for anything concerning death. It started to change a bit when I came across Victor Turner's work on Rites de Passage and Liminality. It changes even more with the complexities of your passing. Because unlike nanaji's death when his last wish was clearly denied, this feels dark.

This is one of those moments when abiding by set rules gives a sense of direction to process it. But in your case, what comes next makes it even more dark. In some moments I wish there were some other means. And in other moments I think of how none of it makes any sense because whatever remains behind is never going to be enough anyway.

To come back home after 2 years and how. Boxed in a ship. None of this makes it any easier.

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7/7, 22:30

I wish you'd listened to everyone who had cared for you instead of those you'd just met. This is the kind of stuff that traumatises everyone involved nonetheless. But like all those mean internet trolls are saying now, this was an avoidable tragedy.

What specifically makes me angry is how we left things. Should I have tried more? Or did I do more than was necessary? Was it even important to you? I know N was. To me, so were you which is why I definitely think you should've done more. Your priorities never made sense anyway. I can only hope they did to you.

OMS

I'm not able to swallow any food without feeling that ever-present knot in my throat and eyes welling up with water that doesn't make it to my cheeks. I'm not in a position to think of what U&A must be going through in this moment. I hope they're not questioning themselves intrusively because they sure have a lot to think along the lines I'm only touching.

This, this is what I meant by "you wouldn't even know how this is affecting everyone"!

————

9/7, 23:52

I know we’re supposed to remember you with nothing but affection. The way you left made it a bit difficult. I’m sure with time the anger will pass too.

I’m going to think of you when I meet anyone obsessed with strawberry shakes. Someone wearing obnoxiously long and funky socks on a casual day. A guy not afraid to style a tote as an accessory. Anyone with an animal head mask, especially unicorns. Someone who gulps down on a bitter batch of brownies I make and not shut up about it for months. A sikh guy with long hair rocking braids and colourful hair accessories. Yeah that’s dope.

You truly were one of a kind and I read your message thrice when you called me jiji upon wishing you happy rakhi. That was the last rakhi I got to wish you but you’re always going to be a beloved “lil” brother.

Rest in all the ways that make you happy.

Living Mindfully: Mindfulness is Not Something We Can Learn in a Day

You cannot Adult Right without Mindfulness

A lot of what we call 'life' happens when we're transitioning from a child into an adult who is responsible for getting all their shit done.

For some it could be moving out of town for college, learning how to live alone whilst managing a job, getting married into a different culture, etc (basically our 20's, when we reroute education based on choices & not compulsion).

As we grow into life, we witness so many changes while having to reconsider our own behavioural patterns & habits of reciprocation.

Because after all, these actions are what determine the future now when we're being our own parent!

Change, The Butterfly Effect & Mindfulness

Whether or not you believe in the butterfly effect, you must've seen how your decisions in the recent past have shaped your present.

How it could've gone the other way, how you could've done better or escaped the worse.

For me, change doesn't come easy but it drains me, overwhelms me into thinking---

"What if I'm going too fast? Am I really built for it? What if once I accept this & DO change, life just MAKES me go the opposite way?"

I won't lie, there have been moments when I've felt like slowing down, giving up & going back to my comfort zone.

But hey, comfort zone isn't where one grows, right? So this is where mindfulness will come into play!

Change makes us uncomfortable for a reason

Stopping should not be an option when change overwhelms you. But neither is ignoring your own instincts that are making you uncomfortable.

If you find yourself in a situation where change is overwhelming you, do not be too afraid to face it.

Do not let it cloud your judgement to an extent that it makes you indecisive.

Slow down, but do not stop questioning WHY you're facing it.

What's your reason?

This talk about being met with change and dealing it makes me think of all the times when I indulged in things (as an adult responsible for her own actions) that have shaped my present without actually knowing it's significance in that time.

I would've have to make a choice no matter what, because life happens to all of us whether we want it to or not. At a pace that's not always necessarily in our hands.

But was I doing it mindfully, indulging in the things life threw at me? Or was I just being a kid about it?

Don't ignore your intuition & be patient with yourself!

Mindfulness isn't something we can learn in a day. It takes practice no matter how organised, disciplined we think we are.

However, it doesn't mean limiting our experiences- just learning how to be fully present in the moment right now, good or bad. You & your experiences are the company that stay with you for life.

Our intuition will always try to connect with us to guide us better. 

Just don't be TOO CASUAL with the energy, especially if your intuition is trying to guide you otherwise 🙂

The Reason I Opened An Etsy Shop for My Digital Illustrations As A Small Business Venture

It's going to be detailed, so grab a cup of coffee and sit comfortably.

Like all the other great (or bad) stories of 2020, my reason behind opening up my Etsy shop has a lot to do with the Pandemic. Just like the rest of the world.. I was initially very scared with the Covid Pandemic situation because it seemed like it would never end.

That is exactly what happened. I’m still stuck at home and even if I have a chance to go out, I’m too scared.

Technology, My Light In The Dark:

Unlike most people who have and are still suffering during this year because of their economic or medical concerns, I am comparatively privileged enough to own a laptop and an internet connection to be able to do this.

While I was always into reading and writing on my devices, I never realised that my laptop would become a boat for me to sail on during these mentally draining times. I am very inspired by the way technology has the potential to keep humans engaged with themselves, even if it has a bad side to it.

Also Read: "Does One Have To Be Good At Everything?" -The Lockdown Social Media Misery

It is also a matter of great relevance for me because I used to be a marketing professional. We all are aware about the perks of digital marketing in the current age, and I had chosen this as my career only a few months prior to when the pandemic hit.

But alas, when the pandemic hit, I lost my job as a marketer for a restaurant (since they thrive on social gatherings). I was scared for the loss of lives and economy more than I was about losing my job (yes, I belong to a well to do family).

Some time during the month of May, I started to get really bored of my schedule. It was getting extremely lethargic to do the same set of house chores.

Then on one fine day of May, I happened to pick up my laptop and started to draw a cartoon image of an animated series: “We Bare Bears” from Cartoon Network. It was very sudden and unplanned but the graphic turned out so cool!

It was just for the sake of doing something that my busy schedule could never allow me to do. Very soon, I began to think of ways to display it on my social media, since everyone was sharing something productive that they were doing.. (even if it was something as simple as making Dalgona Coffee!)

Meanwhile, I also decided to begin a music campaign to share my favourite indie music tracks from lesser known artists (something that I had wanted to do in last October but my job and inability to create good looking posts did not allow me to do).

Now when I say campaign, that is exactly what it was- a campaign implementing all over strategies that I had learnt as a digital marketing professional displayed to the virtual audience via a creative and unique execution (I was inspired by Travis Scott’s Fortnite concert that blessed us with an amazing track).

I posted on my Instagram regularly for 12 days. I named this campaign #12daysofindiemusic.

Here’s what the 12 posts comprised of-

• 12 digital illustrations (drawn by me, ofcourse), and

• 12 indie music tracks

Not only this, I also featured 2 of my singer friends within these 12 days as a part of the campaign.

See those 12 recreated images below-

(I started with recreating, now I make my own art. If you are recreating any pictures from other artists, always credit the original artist. In case they want you to take it down, respect their decision!)

I had learnt digital art as a beginner but it turned out to be so great that I couldn’t stop after those 12 days. So I continued creating illustrations for every single day even after that.

Very soon, I started receiving orders from people to draw custom artworks for them.

Months have passed by, I still draw and I absolutely love every minute of it. Today, I launched my Etsy shop as a small business venture and made 5 sales!

So essentially, I am writing my own product descriptions, doing the backend SEO and creating a mini brand for my creativity by generating revenue out of it!

Do you know why? Because I was bored? Nah! There’s more to it!

I used to do these same things for my clients as a marketer. But I was very undervalued, under-appreciated, not listened enough to AND underpaid!

(Check this link if you wish to read about one of my horrific experiences working for a company based in Indore)

I’m not sure if all of these efforts will pay me off in the future, but it’s worth a shot because I get to learn something new everyday. It’s definitely productive as well as related to my professional niche and there possibly is no harm to it.

I continue to focus on every aspect by myself. There's been so many learnings, so many fruitful failures.. I doubt if I could've learn all of this if I worked under someone else.

Check out my creative profile on Instagram to see how many experiments I continue to perform.

My bosses did not pay me good enough anyway. In case my venture succeeds, atleast these efforts & money would count as my own and not some rich ungrateful snob’s.

Check out my latest commissioned work-

"Does One Have To Be Good At Everything?" -The Lockdown Social Media Misery

A question that bugs me a lot. I know that enough has been said and written about this already, but why can’t this stop bothering me?

The Lockdown and Social Media Misery

"Help! I can't cook & I don't even want to!"

I’m not a good cook. I might become one, I just don’t try. Cooking isn’t something that fascinates me unless I have to cook to serve my appetite in the middle of the night.

And even in the middle of the night, if I’m not in my hometown under the watch of my parents (who just want their children to be self-dependent), I will only cook when I’m broke.

Also Read: The 7 Best and Most Affordable Eating Points in North Campus, DU

When the lockdown started, people were giving all sorts of cuisines a try because our generation has been spoilt by the likes of Zomato & Swiggy. It isn’t exciting to have the same old set of nutrients in a wholesome meal every single day, so we need exciting stuff in our lives.

And food does that for most of us.

Ron Swanson: everyone's spirit animal when it comes to foooooood

What was I doing during the lockdown? I was feeling sorry about my lazy ass for not helping my lockdown companions enough in the kitchen. I would compensate somehow by cleaning the utensils or doing some other (less culinary skills based) tasks, but the regret sure made me feel inferior to the rest of the humans across the planet (who made sure to let us know about their excellent cooking skills via social media).

"Do I even qualify as a girl if I'm not into fashion/makeup/photos?!?"

Same goes for the fact that I didn’t have any mesmerising throwback pictures to post on my social accounts. If anything, I started to look more like a hobo. Oh I still do look like a hobo.

Thanks to social media, I also couldn’t help but question my self worth as a girl more and more each day.

I didn’t paint my nails once during the lockdown. And why would I, when this was something I’d hardly do before all of this began? And I doubt if I even had about 15 days in this lockdown that would count as ‘self-care’, externally. If anything, I oiled my head even less than I would on normal days.

I still go days without actually looking at myself in the mirror (yeah, sad right?)

"Will I have something good to talk about by the time we walk out of this catastrophe?"

Everyone I know started doing something or the other as a hobby, timepass and productivity booster.

I believe that I did take some care of myself internally, but it wasn’t enough compared to what everyone else was doing. I couldn’t keep up with my yoga practice, and I failed miserably when it came to meditation or communicating with people (even with my own family).

I did learn some new skills. Check this out for instance: Music Playlist Curation

"I lost my job, what do I do?"

Before all of this had begun, I had a decent plan to shift from freelancing to working in a promising industry. Sadly, this industry was directly related to social gatherings. The plan not only failed, I also was so nervous that I couldn't muster enough courage to even talk to my potential employer about the situation.

I kept delaying 'the talk' for months (including the fact that I had to collect a payment from him). It was a major buzzkill for my mood and professional growth.

Social media was full of memes for people distressed because of WFH. I felt so, so bad that I didn't even have a job anymore.

Also Read: Was Television Really The Idiot Box?

How I planned to resolve this tricky situation:

All of this could've been avoided if I simply just left social media, right? Well, I didn't want to!

I needed it to interact with my friends and family. Man is a social animal afterall.

All of us wish that the pandemic gets over soon and we can move back to our old lives where social media wasn't the place where we interact with people the most. 

But sadly, even if the pandemic was somehow over, its impact is here to stay in our lives.

Like all people, I wish I could be confident enough to easily let go off of my disturbing thoughts. While I try to indulge in the hobbies that I love, I am also learning how to take care of my mental health while being on internet.

(Tap on the image to be redirected to the source:
6 ways to protect your mental health from social media’s dangers)

I made separate accounts for separate moods as one step towards self-care. Like, if I'm in a mood to feel creative and not be bothered by the amazing personal lives of people I know, I go to my creative account. If I'm in a mood to catch up with my closest friends, I go to my finsta. If I'm in a mood to rant, I go to Twitter.

If you've found yourself in the same boat as me- moody and depressed because of social media... you could give this thing a try too! It's all about sorting your social media platforms as per how they make you feel.

What you see affects what you feel. It works to separate yourself from what makes you feel bad.

How do you resolve this?

Let me know about your tips and tricks. It's always good to connect with like-minded people, provided it's over texts and comments (because of my social anxiety hahahahah).

Thanks for reading!