Positivity Fatigue

Every time I feel like my life seems to be on track, it only lasts for a few days. Sometimes a couple of weeks, at max. There are sure stretches of months when my immediate life is not disrupted. But the disruptions in my immediate family? Oh, if I could just catch a break.

Despite doing everything right personally and even getting great results out of my goal-based action strategies for the professional front, it doesn't feel like everything is stable. I wish I had some emotional stability. It feels like a task to focus on the positives when circumstances are so miserable all around.

A cancer diagnosis in the family, so many rounds of going no-contact and low-contact with some people in the family. Fear of health of another person in the family. Sprinkle that with some bits of recurring personal health issues. Like a friend recommended few months back, "Ya'll need to get some havan or a pooja done, ASAP!".

But would that make it stop? Or would that only give us that short span of courage to go through all of this, again and again? Don't I already try my best? Should I really also do what millions of others do?

Oh wait, I do already do all of that.

Therapy, check.
Gardening, check.
Journalling, check.
Physical activity, check.
Good gut health? Check.
Spend time with friends. Check.
Avoid substances, don't indulge in negativity, let go of hopes that never materialise, be mindful, be polite. CHECK, CHECK, CHECK!

Sometimes when I'm talking to people my age and hear about their struggles, I always end up comparing their light-hearted everyday life rants about the little stuff, to the heavy anchor my heart feels like. I feel afraid to open up about my actual rumblings in the moment because it is all so disoriented, I struggle with words. And then I pity myself a lot inside for being so fake and pretending like I'm happy and have got 0 thoughts about my "rants".

How many times can I rant about the stuff that's ongoing? How many times do I wish I had more of those everyday-little-stuff rants?

I have so much to be happy about, to celebrate. I earned the feel-good moments by dedicated, consistent hard work. But before I can take any of that in, something unrelated to me disrupts it. Before getting to celebrate the wins, I go back to survival by relying on that "positivity" I've now come to dread. And I just get stuck in freeze.

I need more happy me-moments. I need some time before I can fight again. I need some space from the unforeseen, yet foreseeable miseries. I have no idea if I'll have that. And it feels great to let this out for once.