There's Nothing Like You & I...
When we truly commit ourselves to somebody, we do not allow ourselves to find perfection in someone else. And when the one we've committed ourselves to, isn't anywhere next to being a perfect match, that is where the trouble starts. It isn't even like we can blame them, right? Because, perhaps they never cross-signed for any of that shit like we did. Yes that is just what it is. A cycle of crap that nobody but we cajole ourselves into.
As for all the other cliches, I'd swore I'd never put it this way. But the pills I admit, taste less bitter. The broken glass fits, oddly a little perfectly. It's been forever, they say.. since they saw me sociable or jovial. While the birds leave their trees everyday and the sun lits up those tar-black highways, I stay here like I was the dusk before, and before. And I'll be here, til I make it a little less hard on myself. I gotta, I gotta get up. Because there's nothing like you and me. There won't ever be. There is no you and me. It's just you, and me. I wish to fall asleep, and dream, dream that I'll wake up and you won't be here. In my head and in my thoughts.
I learnt to never lift my crest-fallen gaze from the damned floor. Made it a habit to not raise the fucking gaze for it wasn't good enough to make you believe it was unadulterated. Made sure to be there for you but all I got were REPEATED nasty inklings. It was a disease, you said. We were young, you couldn't get yourself to care enough to see it. Has it gone, has it? How can you still not care? What you say, tells me nothing. What's the truth? Give me something! Talk some sense to me? Something that tells me I wasn't any of those things you said. Something that makes me see, the me that I am, and not the on that you made believe I am, a little more clarity here in my lunatic mind is all I ask for. Can I please.. for one last time?
Not til I am willing again, to surrender myself again, you say. You can't pull me outta this self-built misery, you say. Lest I admit to be willing to fall in even more ardently, profoundly. You ask me to separate myself, from what's persuading me to relinquish. And I say, it's no use.. the truce. It's like a spell, why don't you see? They're in my head & in my heart. The things you said. And you're not here to take them back. It's all become too much and all those words we exchanged, is it any wonder things got broke, to never be the same, to never be as magical as they used to be.? This brawling love hurts, it hurts me more than yesterday. Only the heartaches have given me the true sight and it's what I've come to figure out now. These aches you've began fancying; for they bring me to you. I gotta tell you, I've been using you as nothing more than a warning sign. And there never is going to be a first-light, when you'll get to rapt me again.
I never thought I could, but I miss the crap more than I ever thought I would. It's dark enough to be able to see.. but not enough concealing to not let it hurt. So this is what I oughta do now. I'll swim through the darkest waters.. read through a zillion books.. to keep myself from crying my guts out right now. I know I'll never find those rusty-brown eyes amidst all the others I'll see. I long to hear your voice. But still I make the choice. The choice of becoming a shadow of your thoughts of me. Decisions, decisions are what I've come to angst the most, but this one- I'm so sure about. I hadn't been all this while, but hey now I am. Need not ask me to slow down, you don't need to worry now for you didn't when it would've helped, helped me to not become this dreadful being that I am now. I know it-I know it, I can tell it won't hurt that way, So I'll do it regardless of what you've been saying all this while. The good girl, there's nothing like a good, good girl you were looking for a good girl. You won't find her not here not again not in me.
As for all the other cliches, I'd swore I'd never put it this way. But the pills I admit, taste less bitter. The broken glass fits, oddly a little perfectly. It's been forever, they say.. since they saw me sociable or jovial. While the birds leave their trees everyday and the sun lits up those tar-black highways, I stay here like I was the dusk before, and before. And I'll be here, til I make it a little less hard on myself. I gotta, I gotta get up. Because there's nothing like you and me. There won't ever be. There is no you and me. It's just you, and me. I wish to fall asleep, and dream, dream that I'll wake up and you won't be here. In my head and in my thoughts.
I learnt to never lift my crest-fallen gaze from the damned floor. Made it a habit to not raise the fucking gaze for it wasn't good enough to make you believe it was unadulterated. Made sure to be there for you but all I got were REPEATED nasty inklings. It was a disease, you said. We were young, you couldn't get yourself to care enough to see it. Has it gone, has it? How can you still not care? What you say, tells me nothing. What's the truth? Give me something! Talk some sense to me? Something that tells me I wasn't any of those things you said. Something that makes me see, the me that I am, and not the on that you made believe I am, a little more clarity here in my lunatic mind is all I ask for. Can I please.. for one last time?
Not til I am willing again, to surrender myself again, you say. You can't pull me outta this self-built misery, you say. Lest I admit to be willing to fall in even more ardently, profoundly. You ask me to separate myself, from what's persuading me to relinquish. And I say, it's no use.. the truce. It's like a spell, why don't you see? They're in my head & in my heart. The things you said. And you're not here to take them back. It's all become too much and all those words we exchanged, is it any wonder things got broke, to never be the same, to never be as magical as they used to be.? This brawling love hurts, it hurts me more than yesterday. Only the heartaches have given me the true sight and it's what I've come to figure out now. These aches you've began fancying; for they bring me to you. I gotta tell you, I've been using you as nothing more than a warning sign. And there never is going to be a first-light, when you'll get to rapt me again.
I never thought I could, but I miss the crap more than I ever thought I would. It's dark enough to be able to see.. but not enough concealing to not let it hurt. So this is what I oughta do now. I'll swim through the darkest waters.. read through a zillion books.. to keep myself from crying my guts out right now. I know I'll never find those rusty-brown eyes amidst all the others I'll see. I long to hear your voice. But still I make the choice. The choice of becoming a shadow of your thoughts of me. Decisions, decisions are what I've come to angst the most, but this one- I'm so sure about. I hadn't been all this while, but hey now I am. Need not ask me to slow down, you don't need to worry now for you didn't when it would've helped, helped me to not become this dreadful being that I am now. I know it-I know it, I can tell it won't hurt that way, So I'll do it regardless of what you've been saying all this while. The good girl, there's nothing like a good, good girl you were looking for a good girl. You won't find her not here not again not in me.
You talented candor (don't know what does that mean) girl , you write it so good .
ReplyDeleteOne must appreciate this talent in you (y) .