Positivity Fatigue

Every time I feel like my life seems to be on track, it only lasts for a few days. Sometimes a couple of weeks, at max. There are sure stretches of months when my immediate life is not disrupted. But the disruptions in my immediate family? Oh, if I could just catch a break.

Despite doing everything right personally and even getting great results out of my goal-based action strategies for the professional front, it doesn't feel like everything is stable. I wish I had some emotional stability. It feels like a task to focus on the positives when circumstances are so miserable all around.

A cancer diagnosis in the family, so many rounds of going no-contact and low-contact with some people in the family. Fear of health of another person in the family. Sprinkle that with some bits of recurring personal health issues. Like a friend recommended few months back, "Ya'll need to get some havan or a pooja done, ASAP!".

But would that make it stop? Or would that only give us that short span of courage to go through all of this, again and again? Don't I already try my best? Should I really also do what millions of others do?

Oh wait, I do already do all of that.

Therapy, check.
Gardening, check.
Journalling, check.
Physical activity, check.
Good gut health? Check.
Spend time with friends. Check.
Avoid substances, don't indulge in negativity, let go of hopes that never materialise, be mindful, be polite. CHECK, CHECK, CHECK!

Sometimes when I'm talking to people my age and hear about their struggles, I always end up comparing their light-hearted everyday life rants about the little stuff, to the heavy anchor my heart feels like. I feel afraid to open up about my actual rumblings in the moment because it is all so disoriented, I struggle with words. And then I pity myself a lot inside for being so fake and pretending like I'm happy and have got 0 thoughts about my "rants".

How many times can I rant about the stuff that's ongoing? How many times do I wish I had more of those everyday-little-stuff rants?

I have so much to be happy about, to celebrate. I earned the feel-good moments by dedicated, consistent hard work. But before I can take any of that in, something unrelated to me disrupts it. Before getting to celebrate the wins, I go back to survival by relying on that "positivity" I've now come to dread. And I just get stuck in freeze.

I need more happy me-moments. I need some time before I can fight again. I need some space from the unforeseen, yet foreseeable miseries. I have no idea if I'll have that. And it feels great to let this out for once.

Why Was I Angry First And Nauseous After?

7/7, 12:20

I never thought I'd feel anger against a dead person ever. But here it is. After numbness, strength, sadness and indifference.. I'm angry. Another emotional response that I never knew I would one day be feeling as my first response to death.

In all of my experience with death before, I have coped with exactly those 4 emotions and it worked well for me. Because that is all I was able to feel! It was not confusing. It has been constant. And I wouldn't say I'd have preferred it any other way.

I have always believed death makes everyone feel differently and every death makes the same person feel different. You didn't have to reaffirm that for me so soon. I already knew that!

I don't have space in my heart for anger. I don't want to create one. I want to cope with this in a healthy manner but what choice do I have? I have run so many scenarios, I have raked my heart and head apart. But all I feel is ANGER.

Do I wish we were on a different page? I don't even know. Because I'm just angry at your recklessness just like I was when I decided I would blur you out to give you some time to finally grow up!

I wish you had stayed long enough to grow up. I didn't even imagine in my wildest dreams there could be some other way for this to play out. Damn it, H. You wouldn't even know how this is affecting everyone and this makes it the hardest aspect of dealing with all of this.

Disbelief. Anger. Questioning the authenticity. Anger. Confusion and fear. Anger. Indifference. Sadness. Anger. Relief. Nostalgia. Sadness. Anger. Anger. Anger!

Sums up those dreadful 4 hours.

I had so many questions, but I guess this is the price I pay for not being adamant about it when it mattered. How could I be adamant though? I couldn't afford to compromise anymore than I had already! I had to learn to live with what I had on my plate.

Was there guilt? For a couple of minutes. Was there sorrow? Most of the times. Was I relieved? I wish I could say I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm not. For a couple minutes there, I WAS RELIEVED. And then ANGER took over. And it hasn't left since.

Do I think crying would make it better? Even if just once? Yes.

But how do I know if this anger will go too? How can I know?!! I've never felt this before! So damn you, H. I know you're just having a good goof about all of this. But damn you!

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7/7, 14:30

14+ days is a long time for you to be alone. But then again, how long has it been already?

Up until only a few years ago, I didn't even think rituals were important for anything concerning death. It started to change a bit when I came across Victor Turner's work on Rites de Passage and Liminality. It changes even more with the complexities of your passing. Because unlike nanaji's death when his last wish was clearly denied, this feels dark.

This is one of those moments when abiding by set rules gives a sense of direction to process it. But in your case, what comes next makes it even more dark. In some moments I wish there were some other means. And in other moments I think of how none of it makes any sense because whatever remains behind is never going to be enough anyway.

To come back home after 2 years and how. Boxed in a ship. None of this makes it any easier.

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7/7, 22:30

I wish you'd listened to everyone who had cared for you instead of those you'd just met. This is the kind of stuff that traumatises everyone involved nonetheless. But like all those mean internet trolls are saying now, this was an avoidable tragedy.

What specifically makes me angry is how we left things. Should I have tried more? Or did I do more than was necessary? Was it even important to you? I know N was. To me, so were you which is why I definitely think you should've done more. Your priorities never made sense anyway. I can only hope they did to you.

OMS

I'm not able to swallow any food without feeling that ever-present knot in my throat and eyes welling up with water that doesn't make it to my cheeks. I'm not in a position to think of what U&A must be going through in this moment. I hope they're not questioning themselves intrusively because they sure have a lot to think along the lines I'm only touching.

This, this is what I meant by "you wouldn't even know how this is affecting everyone"!

————

9/7, 23:52

I know we’re supposed to remember you with nothing but affection. The way you left made it a bit difficult. I’m sure with time the anger will pass too.

I’m going to think of you when I meet anyone obsessed with strawberry shakes. Someone wearing obnoxiously long and funky socks on a casual day. A guy not afraid to style a tote as an accessory. Anyone with an animal head mask, especially unicorns. Someone who gulps down on a bitter batch of brownies I make and not shut up about it for months. A sikh guy with long hair rocking braids and colourful hair accessories. Yeah that’s dope.

You truly were one of a kind and I read your message thrice when you called me jiji upon wishing you happy rakhi. That was the last rakhi I got to wish you but you’re always going to be a beloved “lil” brother.

Rest in all the ways that make you happy.

Living Mindfully: Mindfulness is Not Something We Can Learn in a Day

You cannot Adult Right without Mindfulness

A lot of what we call 'life' happens when we're transitioning from a child into an adult who is responsible for getting all their shit done.

For some it could be moving out of town for college, learning how to live alone whilst managing a job, getting married into a different culture, etc (basically our 20's, when we reroute education based on choices & not compulsion).

As we grow into life, we witness so many changes while having to reconsider our own behavioural patterns & habits of reciprocation.

Because after all, these actions are what determine the future now when we're being our own parent!

Change, The Butterfly Effect & Mindfulness

Whether or not you believe in the butterfly effect, you must've seen how your decisions in the recent past have shaped your present.

How it could've gone the other way, how you could've done better or escaped the worse.

For me, change doesn't come easy but it drains me, overwhelms me into thinking---

"What if I'm going too fast? Am I really built for it? What if once I accept this & DO change, life just MAKES me go the opposite way?"

I won't lie, there have been moments when I've felt like slowing down, giving up & going back to my comfort zone.

But hey, comfort zone isn't where one grows, right? So this is where mindfulness will come into play!

Change makes us uncomfortable for a reason

Stopping should not be an option when change overwhelms you. But neither is ignoring your own instincts that are making you uncomfortable.

If you find yourself in a situation where change is overwhelming you, do not be too afraid to face it.

Do not let it cloud your judgement to an extent that it makes you indecisive.

Slow down, but do not stop questioning WHY you're facing it.

What's your reason?

This talk about being met with change and dealing it makes me think of all the times when I indulged in things (as an adult responsible for her own actions) that have shaped my present without actually knowing it's significance in that time.

I would've have to make a choice no matter what, because life happens to all of us whether we want it to or not. At a pace that's not always necessarily in our hands.

But was I doing it mindfully, indulging in the things life threw at me? Or was I just being a kid about it?

Don't ignore your intuition & be patient with yourself!

Mindfulness isn't something we can learn in a day. It takes practice no matter how organised, disciplined we think we are.

However, it doesn't mean limiting our experiences- just learning how to be fully present in the moment right now, good or bad. You & your experiences are the company that stay with you for life.

Our intuition will always try to connect with us to guide us better. 

Just don't be TOO CASUAL with the energy, especially if your intuition is trying to guide you otherwise 🙂